Last week, I read Patti Stanger’s “Become Your Own Matchmaker” and before you get all judge-y pants, think about the fact that although this woman is single in her 40s, she’s had years of experience dealing with relationships. But, even more important than that, she gets to study relationship dynamics up close and personally as part of her job and although I think the book has a lot of fluff, there’s one particular piece of advice she gives that I think is very sound so I’ll share it with you.

Oh, and if you’re being all judge-y pants because I read the Millionaire Matchmaker’s book…well go find another blog!

I’m going to generalise this advice to both men and women because I think it applies to both so pay attention:

You first start by examining the negative traits (things you didn’t like, or found annoying) about your ex’s, collectively. Write them down as you think of them. When you’ve come up with as many as you can think of, you begin to evaluate each one and cross of the ones that aren’t really that big of a deal. Now, you should be left with a few and what those are, are your “dealbreakers” — four or five traits/characteristics that if someone possesses, you’re not even going to bother entertaining the idea of dating them. That means no giving out your number, no leading them (or yourself) on and no re-evaluating your list because you met someone you “think is perfect but its just this one thing…”

Here was my (partial) list before I started crossing them off:

• didn’t get along with my family;
• not-so-good table manners;
• financially irresponsible;
• wasn’t very chivalrous/much of a gentleman;
• didn’t want babies;
• didn’t want to incorporate the cultural/religious traditions I’ve grown up with into our future together;
• too clingy;
• too flirty with his female friends;
• not a “giver” in bed (this is important!!!)
• selfish;
• overly concerned with appearances.

Then I started crossing off a few at a time and thinking of why:

• I crossed off “not so good table manners” because although that annoys the crap out of me, its easily fixable.
• I crossed off “financially irresponsible” because we were both under 21 years old.
• I crossed off “too flirty with female friends” because I think that in a trusting, communicative relationship, boundaries can be established and respected (more on this later.)
• I crossed off “too clingy” because there was only one person I could think of and we were like….19.
• I crossed off “didn’t get along with my family” because its really hard to figure that out at first (remember, these are initial dealbreakers that make you not even want to go out on one date, or not a second.)I crossed off “not a giver in bed” because its really really really hard to tell this on the first few dates (since I don’t do nooky nooky right away) and its one of those things that can also be worked on unless he really sucks and isn’t willing to try.

So we’re left with:

• wasn’t very chivalrous/much of a gentleman;
• didn’t want babies;
• didn’t want to incorporate the cultural/religious traditions I’ve grown up with into our future together;
• selfish;
• overly concerned with appearances.
• I’m going to add poor family values/relationships as well.

Now I have 6 criteria that are relatively easy to figure out in a short period of time (max 1-2 dates) and here’s why and how:

1. Chivalry/being a gentleman: When I go on a first date, I assume that this is the zenith of how I’ll be treated by this person when we go out. If he’s opening doors, openly discussing menu choices (as opposed to ordering for me without asking), offering to pay, and just overall being a gent — its a good sign that although it won’t always be this perfect if we become a couple, I’ll still be treated well. I have an ex who opened car doors for me until the very end of our relationship and even after, in some cases. Although he had other flaws, to say that he wasn’t chivalrous wouldn’t be fair to him. On the other hand, I went on a date with a guy not too long ago who just kind of sucked at being a gent, and although the conversation chemistry was there, as well as me thinking he was cute…no second date. Girls, ask yourself: “if this guy treated me like this every time we went out for the rest of my life, would I be happy?” Your answer determines your decision. Guys: remember, its better to have a girl think you were a gentleman than the contrary and this is also indicative of what manners you were raised with.
2. Babies: I want babies or at least the option of having them in the future. If a guy, by 25, has decided and can give you the reasons why he doesn’t want kids, its safe to say that he won’t change his mind although he could — do you want to be the one to take that risk? This question shouldn’t really come up on first dates but oddly enough, it did on a recent first date of mine (with a great guy, mind you) but if you’re looking for a relationship, you can discuss this in a very casual way early on without scaring the guy off. E-mail me for tips on how, I’ll be glad to share!
3. Cultural/religious traditions: this is easy. I’m a Moroccan Jew. I want to date someone who (preferably) is Jewish and feels some ties to his religious traditions and wishes to pass them on to the babies from #2 OR someone willing to accept and love my traditions, wholeheartedly.
4. Selfish: Been there, done that, don’t want to date another one. I want a giver…in all senses of the word. The proverbial “provider” type and no, I don’t speak about this in the financial way. You should be able to ascertain this within a few meetings with your date by watching for two things: first, how he describes his actions towards others and second, how he treats others (waiter, friend of yours).
5. Appearances: this is an easy one to figure out. The guy who’s concerned with “how he looks to people” (when I said appearances, I didn’t mean physical looks) but just someone obsessed with status and external validation. There was a guy who contacted me on an online dating site and he was really hot, like an 8, and his whole profile was about how important his friends’ opinion of his girlfriend was so “you’d have to meet their approval” — no no no. He gave me his number. I never called.
6. Family: All right so you’re not going to talk about meeting the family right away but if the guy trash talks people in his family (anyone from mom to dad to brother), there’s issues there for me because my family is close knit as hell and my brother, I’d kill for him (err, them, both of them).

Remember guys and gals, your dealbreaker list is just that — a dealbreaker! So don’t waste your time!