Category Archives: Days
Dating Tips for Chicks: Your “Dealbreaker” List
2
Last week, I read Patti Stanger’s “Become Your Own Matchmaker” and before you get all judge-y pants, think about the fact that although this woman is single in her 40s, she’s had years of experience dealing with relationships. But, even more important than that, she gets to study relationship dynamics up close and personally as part of her job and although I think the book has a lot of fluff, there’s one particular piece of advice she gives that I think is very sound so I’ll share it with you.
Oh, and if you’re being all judge-y pants because I read the Millionaire Matchmaker’s book…well go find another blog! 
I’m going to generalise this advice to both men and women because I think it applies to both so pay attention:
You first start by examining the negative traits (things you didn’t like, or found annoying) about your ex’s, collectively. Write them down as you think of them. When you’ve come up with as many as you can think of, you begin to evaluate each one and cross of the ones that aren’t really that big of a deal. Now, you should be left with a few and what those are, are your “dealbreakers” — four or five traits/characteristics that if someone possesses, you’re not even going to bother entertaining the idea of dating them. That means no giving out your number, no leading them (or yourself) on and no re-evaluating your list because you met someone you “think is perfect but its just this one thing…”
Here was my (partial) list before I started crossing them off:
- didn’t get along with my family;
- not-so-good table manners;
- financially irresponsible;
- wasn’t very chivalrous/much of a gentleman;
- didn’t want babies;
- didn’t want to incorporate the cultural/religious traditions I’ve grown up with into our future together;
- too clingy;
- too flirty with his female friends;
- not a “giver” in bed (this is important!!!)
- selfish;
- overly concerned with appearances.
Then I started crossing off a few at a time and thinking of why:
- I crossed off “not so good table manners” because although that annoys the crap out of me, its easily fixable.
- I crossed off “financially irresponsible” because we were both under 21 years old.
- I crossed off “too flirty with female friends” because I think that in a trusting, communicative relationship, boundaries can be established and respected (more on this later.)
- I crossed off “too clingy” because there was only one person I could think of and we were like….19.
- I crossed off “didn’t get along with my family” because its really hard to figure that out at first (remember, these are initial dealbreakers that make you not even want to go out on one date, or not a second.)I crossed off “not a giver in bed” because its really really really hard to tell this on the first few dates (since I don’t do nooky nooky right away) and its one of those things that can also be worked on unless he really sucks and isn’t willing to try.
So we’re left with:
- wasn’t very chivalrous/much of a gentleman;
- didn’t want babies;
- didn’t want to incorporate the cultural/religious traditions I’ve grown up with into our future together;
- selfish;
- overly concerned with appearances.
- I’m going to add poor family values/relationships as well.
Now I have 6 criteria that are relatively easy to figure out in a short period of time (max 1-2 dates) and here’s why and how:
- Chivalry/being a gentleman: When I go on a first date, I assume that this is the zenith of how I’ll be treated by this person when we go out. If he’s opening doors, openly discussing menu choices (as opposed to ordering for me without asking), offering to pay, and just overall being a gent — its a good sign that although it won’t always be this perfect if we become a couple, I’ll still be treated well. I have an ex who opened car doors for me until the very end of our relationship and even after, in some cases. Although he had other flaws, to say that he wasn’t chivalrous wouldn’t be fair to him. On the other hand, I went on a date with a guy not too long ago who just kind of sucked at being a gent, and although the conversation chemistry was there, as well as me thinking he was cute…no second date. Girls, ask yourself: “if this guy treated me like this every time we went out for the rest of my life, would I be happy?” Your answer determines your decision. Guys: remember, its better to have a girl think you were a gentleman than the contrary and this is also indicative of what manners you were raised with.
- Babies: I want babies or at least the option of having them in the future. If a guy, by 25, has decided and can give you the reasons why he doesn’t want kids, its safe to say that he won’t change his mind although he could — do you want to be the one to take that risk? This question shouldn’t really come up on first dates but oddly enough, it did on a recent first date of mine (with a great guy, mind you) but if you’re looking for a relationship, you can discuss this in a very casual way early on without scaring the guy off. E-mail me for tips on how, I’ll be glad to share!
- Cultural/religious traditions: this is easy. I’m a Moroccan Jew. I want to date someone who (preferably) is Jewish and feels some ties to his religious traditions and wishes to pass them on to the babies from #2 OR someone willing to accept and love my traditions, wholeheartedly.
- Selfish: Been there, done that, don’t want to date another one. I want a giver…in all senses of the word. The proverbial “provider” type and no, I don’t speak about this in the financial way. You should be able to ascertain this within a few meetings with your date by watching for two things: first, how he describes his actions towards others and second, how he treats others (waiter, friend of yours).
- Appearances: this is an easy one to figure out. The guy who’s concerned with “how he looks to people” (when I said appearances, I didn’t mean physical looks) but just someone obsessed with status and external validation. There was a guy who contacted me on an online dating site and he was really hot, like an 8, and his whole profile was about how important his friends’ opinion of his girlfriend was so “you’d have to meet their approval” — no no no. He gave me his number. I never called.
- Family: All right so you’re not going to talk about meeting the family right away but if the guy trash talks people in his family (anyone from mom to dad to brother), there’s issues there for me because my family is close knit as hell and my brother, I’d kill for him (err, them, both of them).
Remember guys and gals, your dealbreaker list is just that — a dealbreaker! So don’t waste your time!
Life Advice
Online dating
If you read my blog and have ever used an online dating service (whether it was a success or not), can you please e-mail me?
I’d like to ask you some questions.
It will be fun and funny and just a bit scandalous, kind of like the present writer.
Swanky New Photos For A Swanky New Site
Within the next few weeks, my new homepage will be put up (the one that shows how classy and professional of a writer and translator I am) — the blog will be moving to a new directory.
So it was recommended that I take some actual good, non Mac Photobooth photos to put on said site and that’s where this guy comes in:
Meet Adam Daniels.
He took my pictures.
He is wearing my bracelet, how good does it look on him?
And doesn’t he have such lovely blue eyes?
(Maybe you can’t see them in the picture above, but this is a picture I stole from his Facebook page.)
There, now you can see them.
Also, this is one of my favourite pictures that he’s taken:
There are several reasons you should hire Adam to take pictures but the most important reason is this: Adam loves people. And, it clearly shows in the manner in which he treats the photo shoot. He will make you feel at ease. You will have fun. And then you will end up with great photos to use on your website.
Real Women Know How To Handle A Stick
There’s a moment in my life, one from my childhood, that I distinctly remember and it went something around the lines of me saying:
“No way Michael (my little brother), the Lambo will kill the Ferrari in a heartbeat and besides that — if I could pick one car to drive for the rest of my life, it would definitely be the Mustang GT500, 1967 of course.”
Cue ten years later, after eight years of driving “experience” and although I still love the Mustang, this is the car that makes me happy in all the right places:
This is a 1969 Trans Am and if some guy ever pulled up in one of these bad boys in our first date, I’d marry him (if he let me drive it).
Which is where I’m going with this — real women know how to drive stick.
Seriously.
Forget all the phallic imagery, perverts, but recently added to my list of being a grown woman is the requirement: knows how to drive stick. Forget the functionality of it, because knowing how to do something practical is always better than not knowing and when you want to borrow your cousin’s car and its a stick and oh-yea-you’re-stranded…
But driving stick is really driving. Earlier this weekend, I convinced my friend to let me drive his supercharged Corvette Z-something…did I mention that the “T” in “T-Top” for that car stands for “testosterone”? Amazing. Maybe I’m a boy for thinking all this but there is nothing more satisfying than driving a car with more horsepower than is actually necessary. And, when its not an automatic (sorry dad, I love your car) there’s an actual satisfaction to the driving aspect of it because you have to understand how it works and intuitively feel the car.
So, I got all excited and called my other friend who I knew would share my excitement for my newfound skill and convinced him that he had to let me drive his car too, a super sporty convertible. After a brief lesson in downshifting, rev matching, and “woman, you’re going to burn out my clutch”, I decided that I was hooked.
He promised me more driving lessons if the next time I was able to be in a 1969 Trans Am (like that’s ever happened), I would wear a wife beater, aviators and trucker cap.
ITS GOING TO HAPPEN.
For now: if you’re a guy who owns the above car and are hot and not a redneck, please e-mail me. If you rebuilt it yourself, please put that in the subject.
And, if you’re a girl then call up one of your many awesome stick-driving guy friends and have them teach you. But make sure they know the difference between “teaching you to drive stick like an automatic” and “actually teaching you how to drive stick”. If you’re an adrenaline junkie like yours truly, there is a huge difference. If you’re a pansy, then get the sand out of your vagina and try again.
All You Need Is Love
I like Happy Jew Year (Rosh Hashanah). I actually like any excuse to make a sort of “fresh start” (because its never really fresh and so although every day is a new day, I like when there are pseudo-milestones.
I can’t think of a better way to start this “year” than with the philosophy behind Time-Peace and their watches.
The right time is always NOW.
Happy New Year. Love.
Facebook Is The Easiest Place To Lie
I like Facebook, admittedly. I have tried going cold-turkey, did an experiment where I deleted my account for 3 months and created a new one (did not reactivate the old one) and decided that I like my life with Facebook in it. Its great for staying in touch with long-distance friends, exchanging Skype IDs, reconnecting with old acquaintances, and posting photos. Most importantly, its fantastic for when you need your friends to post cliche comments about your recent breakup.
But Facebook is an easy place to lie. How easy is it for you to post what is likely the most (or only) flattering picture of you at “just the right angle and lighting”? Or, you could “forget” to put your relationship status, (if you’re married, this is awkward). You could write whatever you want about yourself (who can prove it?) and your favourite movie that you list could really be that obscure indie film but no one will know if you’ve ever seen it.
Its hard to tell lies on Facebook. How can you tell if someone is making up what they’re writing or how they want us to perceive them? So this is what I am going to say — Facebook is to be taken at face value. The intimate views and understanding of someone will NOT come from there — pick up the phone and call someone to figure that stuff out.
Blog Break
I’ve decided to take a break from this blog until I determine which direction its going in.
Until I come back, feel free to read www.xkcd.com as he seems to be wiretapped into my brain anyways.
I Want To Date A _______
I was never one of those girls who could be sold on a man by his profession. I think this stems from two reasons: 1) I have lofty goals and 2) I know that a career does not make a man (quite the opposite, really).
This is why when a man has come up to me in the past and said “I’m a doctor, lawyer, investment banker, professor”, I get that shiny glazed over look in my eyes and try for the nearest exit. If you’re picking me up based on your profession…yuck.
So what I’m addressing now is the all-too-common level of excitement women (and their Jewish mothers) get when they are going on a date with a doctor. (Or insert whatever profession there).
I’m just going to play devil’s advocate for a second here — but I can understand why people get excited by the idea of dating someone who is a ______.
Let’s use doctor as an example. One could argue that most doctors are intelligent, kind, and compassionate people. Let’s give them slightly above average ratings on those three characteristics. Then, let’s add their ability to make sacrifices (ask any doctor or current med school student, sacrifices must be made) and level of perseverance — I think that’s the most important one — and you could argue that they are diligent workers and dedicated to their goals. If you take away the status that comes with being a doctor, it doesn’t change the character traits. Now, this is not accounting for the douchebags I’m certain most of you have had the displeasure of encountering, just a bell-curve type of analysis.
The same applies to other things like a teacher (loves kids?), lawyer (I have no positive spin on this one), investment banker (dresses well, haha).