Women don’t cheat because their man’s penis is too small…

I just took a quick glance at an article on Psychology Today’s website about why men cheat.  Why men cheat?  Seriously.  We need to rehash this again. I’ve read the evolutionary perspective, the biological perspective, the psychosocial perspective and basically they always point to a few of the same things:

1. High status male = more opportunities to cheat.
2. Evolutionarily, our social conditions have made it easier for someone to cheat.  Example: insert boys’ night out, add copious amounts of alcohol, cue cheating.
3. The Bateman Principle.

I’m sure you’ve all heard these before.  So let’s go on to the more delicious discussion of why women cheat, and it’s not because there’s something lacking in the bedroom, so to speak.  It usually goes a lot deeper than that.

Women cheat to feel a connection that they’ve lost with their partner.  It happens sometime between the point where she stops caring whether or not she shaves her legs and when he stops noticing her not-so-subtle new haircut.  It happens when there’s excitement to be had and that excitement isn’t shared with the significant other.  It happens when someone else makes her feel sexier, more desirable, more special.

But wait, will she actually cheat if all this happens?

No, silly.  It’s not that simple.

First, there’s that stage of confusion?  ”Am I doing something wrong?”  ”Has he met someone else?”  Then there’s desperation, at least that’s what I call it.  It’s when there’ just worry: “Will he like my new hair?”  ”What if I got a boob job?”  Sometimes, by this point its too late and when someone else starts giving your special lady attention, well — its over by now.

I feel like too many people spend too much time worrying about whether their partner (male or female) will cheat.  So, partially inspired by this website (thanks Lisa), here is Mel’s handy-dandy no cheating guide (for both genders).

1. Be “just right” jealous.  There’s an evolutionary reason for our feeling jealousy so let’s consider that and go with it.  There’s too much jealousy (no explanation needed), but then there’s also too little jealousy.  Really?  Yup.  You don’t want someone flying off the handle, but feeling that tiny twinge of jealousy when your man/woman is going out with…well who they go out with is irrelevant, but it says something around the lines of “I know you’re a hot, desirable person and although I trust you, I know someone else could want you too.”  I’ve used this example probably my whole dating life and it goes as such.  I don’t want my boyfriend to want me “because he’s in a cage and I’m the only one he sees.”  No.  I want him to go out to bars, out with friends, ogle celebrities and than still want me.  Way better.  And when I’m at a bar with my girls, I want him to know he’ll be the one I choose over anyone else.
2. There’s a reason he/she is an “ex”. Sammy and I were having a chat yesterday and discussing her boyfriend’s recent ex making stalker-y phone calls and wanting to see him.  I don’t know man, I have a theory that there’s a reason an ex is an ex and likely, that reason hasn’t changed.  And, in my experience, every time I’ve seen an ex, it just makes me grateful for how fantastic the new person in my life is.
3. “But what if the ex is a friend, you ask?” I have three rules about my man being friends with his ex’s.  1) I come first.  Always.  2) If they fight like they’re still dating, she goes or I go.  3) If she makes inappropriate comments about my man’s “business” (ahem), she’s going to get a talking to.  A good talking to.
4. They may not be the only man/woman in your life, but they better be the most important one: As a woman who had only one female friend for…I don’t know, forever, I’ve always been one of the boys.  My best friend is a boy.  My dad is also one of the closest, most important people to me in my life.  When I had a birthday dinner last year, there were only two girls present and one of them was a buddy’s girlfriend.  So yeah, fine, I get it, it’s a little intimidating.  (Said best friend convinced me that this was the reason I could be single for a veeeery long time.)  But anyways, boyfriend has to be number one.  I have a problem, I call the boyfriend.  I have something to celebrate, I call the boyfriend.  He is the hottest, most awesome guy in my life, even if my best friend happened to be Gerard Butler or Paul Rudd (future besties).  Same applies to women, k?  They need to be the numero uno lady in your life!
5. Let’s talk shop, baby. And by “shop”, I mean sex.  Look — you’re not always going to be in the mood.  You’re not always going to want to try fun stuff.  But if you’re never in the mood and you never want to play, well, first of all what is wrong with you and second of all, you’re lucky I’m not your girlfriend.  I seriously think that this is one of the biggest mistakes women make in a relationship.  They treat sex as though its a favour they’re doing for their boyfriends.  Wtf?  I’ll just give a ground rule here:  have sex often and ACT LIKE YOU ENJOY IT.  No, that doesn’t mean fake it.  It means let yourself get caught up.  Forget that there’s anything going on in that moment except the person you’re sleeping with.  And as for being adventurous, try things once, then say no if you don’t like it.
6. Act like you care. This one is easy.  If you’re lucky enough to have a partner who will love you unconditionally, then they’re not going to care about the fatty bits on your thighs or your bad hair day.  But take care of yourself!   If you know she likes that certain shirt, wear it.  He likes that dress?  Wear it…and shave your legs while you’re at it.  I was fortunate enough to be present for this moment between my aunt and uncle.  They were getting ready for a Bar-Mitzvah and she wore her hair the way he loved it, even though that’s not exactly what she wanted to do with it because she knew, knew, knew, that he wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes, or hands, off her that night.  That’s awesome.  Rona and Eddie, you guys are awesome about that.
7. Be your best you. How does being the “best version” of yourself apply to your relationships?  Well, let’s consider a few things.  We all modify our behaviours to match our situations.  To my patients, I’m the most compassionate, patient person ever.  To my boss, I’m a bit abrasive, slightly toughened.  To my friends I’m honest, outgoing, and bubbly.  To my dad, I’m more respectful but still as open.  So does that mean one person deserves less patience than the other?  No.  Stop acting like your partner needs to take your shit.  I know people who are the most freakin’ charismatic, charming patient people, and then they treat their partners like dirt.  I want to smack them.  Everyone’s entitled to a bad day, a bad moment.  But man, when you stop being nice to your partner, they’re going to find someone else who’s being really nice to them.

Ok that’s it.  Send me feedback please as this was obviously written from my perspective (and observations).

The last bit I wanted to add, and it’s relevant to my title, is that one time is one time too many. Several years ago, someone drilled this concept into my head:  People will only treat you the way you let them treat you. You create your own situations.  If you take someone back after they’ve broken that kind of trust, you set an example.  So if someone has cheated on their lover to be with you, there’s a likelihood they’ll do the same to you in the future.  If they’ve cheated in the past, there’s a likelihood they’ll do it again.  Doing something once shows you have the capability to do it.  These are situations you should evaluate on a case-by-case basis but for the most part, I’d say abort mission.

Happy non-cheating!