In a recent survey where I asked one friend for a subject to blog about, he suggested “love” and what it means to different people. Well, I’ll admit I don’t know what it means to different people (though I have a fair idea from reading I’ve done) so please feel free to share your thoughts on this subject.
So what is love? Love is an emotion we can measure by putting people into a machine and taking a functional MRI of their brain. We can watch the areas light up and we can try and determine if they’re speaking from the emotional part of their brans or the language part. We can see what makes those areas “light up”.
So that’s love in its quantitative form.
But what is love in its fluffy, unadulterated form? Pillow talk in bed amongst lovers? The bond shared between family members?
First of all let me state that I don’t believe in soul-mates. I don’t believe in love at first sight (it’s called physical attraction) and I don’t believe in unconditional love (except you, dad).
What I do believe about love is that it is mutual fulfillment; a fulfillment that originates from first understanding the other person. Once you understand who a person is, what matters to them, then you can determine whether or not you will find fulfillment in sharing experiences with said person.
Here is an example that is quite revealing: babies scare me. Not little babies that are already born and cute but carrying babies. Pregnancy. Childbirth. What happens when you’re pregnant and then have to deliver the little monkeys. So, I’ve compromised with myself that I will have babies au naturel as long as I can deliver them by C-section. (Now, the fine print: yes of course at the end of the day I will do whatever is best for the monkeys, but if given a choice, I would schedule a C-section when the time was right). To some people that I have said this to, it is an abomination. I am not being a woman. (Uh, note: this response mostly comes from men, but I digress.) So what does this mean? It means my future babymaker partner will have to live with the fact that he will never be part of the miracle that is childbirth except for the part where he’s handed the baby (OR’s are sterile, sorry future hubs).
So back to what love is — love is just the comprehensive, more succinct term for, “I think we could get along. I don’t mind compromising things with you, like what color car to buy, but if anything that is part of my structural identity (see this post) conflicts with something that is part of your structural identity, then we will have to redefine ourselves, which is unacceptable because one of us will not find fulfillment in the relationship”.
There’s a reason I believe your partner should be your best friend, and when I say best friend, I don’t mean the arbitrary title you give someone, I mean the person you know you can show the dark scary places of your life. But, back on the unconditional comment, no love is unconditional. All love has conditions but the conditions should be defined by the two people (or more) in the relationship, not across the board societal standards.
Thoughts?
I think that people spend entirely too much time defining what love is. This is something that both poets and scientists are guilty of. I think it’s just kind of there, and that’s good enough. It’s like wondering why the sky is blue; yes there’s a scientific reason for it, but does that change the fact that it’s a pleasant and natural thing?
Personally I’ve spent a lot of time trying to define love as well, and what I’ve found is that it’s an endless rabbit hole and it doesn’t really get you anywhere. That’s not to say love itself is futile or fruitless effort – it certainly is not – but trying to quantify it is pointless. I think it’s just kind of there we’re better off for that.
I don’t know what love is either. I’ll probably never know. Even when I think I’ve found it, there’s really no way to confirm or deny it. But when I finally think I’ve found it, it will make me happy and that’s good enough for me.