Rolex. Mercedes. Hamptons House. Black Amex.
I’m sure you’ve heard of those status symbols — objects or possessions that elevate the owner to a certain social or economic status in the eyes of those who see it. I don’t necessarily agree with the concept of status symbols, but for the purpose of this post, let’s say I did.
Because what I’d like to discuss has to do with the status symbols and indicators that we use every day to gauge how much we’d like to be friends (or more) with a person.
I’m going to use an example that concerns two good friends of mine, S and M (and no, that does not imply anything dirty!)
S and I met back in May at a mutual friend’s party. When I found out she lived really close to my flat in Chicago, and me being new-ish to Chicago, I asked her if she’d want to do coffee/brunch/drinks sometime soon. We exchanged numbers and made plans for that weekend. We hung out one time and I showed up for a drink to celebrate her birthday in September. That’s all.
Now, M and I have been friends since childhood. We grew up in Montreal together, our families moved to the same town in Florida, we went to high school together, and so on. M and I are good friends and speak on a semi-regular basis and I see him every time I go back to Florida, without fail.
Last time I was in Florida, M told me that he knew S. How? They were both counselors at the same summer camp three years ago. They had gotten along beautifully and had really bonded over their few months of working together.
So now, my really good friend told my new friend, “hey, I know Melissa Malka! I love Melissa Malka!” and told me the same thing about her. Since that trip to Florida, which was over New Year’s Eve, S and I have hung out regularly for the last month and talk almost every day.
What changed?
M’s rave review of her had “elevated” her status in my mind. If M, who I love, loved S, than by default, I should love her too. So – we bridged the gap. We made plans, we talked about M, we laughed about his silly antics, we had girl time and there no longer was the awkwardness of trying to figure out if we’d like each other because we kind of took a shortcut.
This isn’t uncommon. We do it all the time when we trust our friends to set us up on blind dates. An internal referral from someone who is a good employee will get you a job faster than anything else. We trust our good friends’ opinions over our sort-of friends. We have these so-to-speak statuses for most everyone we know and we act accordingly. Most of us, or at least I, won’t approach someone and try to befriend them just because they have a Rolex or drive an import, but we will if our good friend tells us “we would most likely get along”.
A while back, I was discussing this with a friend of mine and he shared with me a way that almost quantified it. He had terminology and really specific ways of defining who’s opinion means more and who you would find yourself trusting and so on. I’m going to ask him if I can post about them on here.
In short though, what I am trying to say is to just pay attention. Pay attention to your status, your social capital. How many people trust your judgement about potential suitors for them? Do your friends try to get to know your other friends? And, think about the friends of yours you tend to gravitate towards for those things to.
I’d like to hope that it isn’t our possessions that define us, although that seems to be more common than not. Capitalist countries such as America thrive on the classification of individuals by their clothes, cars and phones. C’est la vie.
Regarding your other point, I think that peoples’ opinions can very easily be modified by their peer’s critiques – but it doesn’t always control them. Take this, for example: I hang out with a group of friends who are pretty talented web developers. Unfortunately they tend to be somewhat snobby and look down on those who they don’t consider to be very talented. Another friend of mine is a web developer with so-so skills, but is still a great friend. The first group I mentioned talks trash all the time about my lesser-skilled friend when he isn’t around, and I find myself constantly defending him. It’s very hard to not get caught up in the world of talking behind peoples’ backs. My point is, holding tight onto your initial opinions of a person is a difficult but important thing to do.